I arrive at the leaf covered area and look around. The trees, bare and naked, allowing the sky to shine down on the forest floor where the leaves have fallen. My eyes wonder through the thin tree trunks, becoming lost in the distance as I try to focus on any movements beyond the trees. Searching for something that might be watching, waiting on a distance memory to emerge to remind me of the feelings I had the last time I was there.
I close my eyes and remember how it felt to run through the dry leaves, a child's laughter echos as my own. Faded memories of my childhood start to stir within me and I am reminded of the happy days I once had. The few days I could recall from when my family was a whole. The days before people disappeared from my life forever. My mother and father, at the camp site, preforming domestic chores as me and my three brothers play. My mother setting out hamburger buns, plates, and condiments on the table. My father at the grill, commanding the burgers with his spatula in hand. I watch through my eyes as a child, poking and probing at the small camp fire with a long stick, remembering how amazing the flames danced around. My brother watches over me, telling my father I was alright. Memory fades and changes to when we all sat around the wooden table, everyone with their plates filled with chips, beans, and hamburgers. The conversations mutter in my ear and no matter how hard I try to make things sound clear, nothing is recognized.
Suddenly I am reminded how many years has taken place since that happy time. I walk over and sit at the wooden table wondering if it was the same one as before. Reaching into my bag I pull out a golden photo album and open it. My eyes fall upon the pictures which were of the times at the camp site. I look at the happy faces from my brothers youth, and the funny pictures of my father smoking in front of the grill. I smile as I place the book on the table, a gentle breeze picks up and travels across my face slightly. My eyes look around the forest once more, soaking in the beauty and bliss around me. I smiles and become happy that I made the trip to recall my childhood.
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there are some grammatical issues that are taking away from the overall imagery and story, so you might want to double check those. Also, I'd like to see more sensory detail pertaining to smell. You make so much reference to food, and I just really want to smell it, it's kind of driving me crazy! I also really like this idea of a stereotypical family camping trip with these kind of sad undertones. I think that is working really well. The reference to the different photos is also very strong, I'd like to actually see the photos in the film.
ReplyDeleteIt seems some undertones to this memory exist. You may be able to push symbolic elements even further. It seems too cliche. A grown you is revisiting a place of the past referring to childhood memories. I think the photo album could be less literal. Instead of you bringing a photobook with you to this spot where you plan on recollecting, which seems a little cheesy, you could include quick stills of the some of the photos, so it appears more as a secret that exists in your memory and which you're also letting be known to the viewer.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not sure how you were planning on simulating the characters in this scene. Were you planning on assigning roles to characters, including little kids to play yourself and your brothers? That maybe really hard to accomplish. make it easy on yourself. You could even try to mimic how on some shows, they try to recreate events that already happened with the real victims/witnesses narrating what happened while hired actors play out the scene, like on a haunting. A full out one of those is cheesy, but it may not be to hard to simply shoot a small child poking at a fire, or a close up of a fatherly figure smoking in front of a fire.
I read your story as the memory of an outdoor barbecue of sorts. That said, your essay is rich in visual detail, although i do wish that vivid smells were depicted.
ReplyDeleteThere is a very striking contrast between the sadness felt for these memories, as if denoting a better, happier time in life. Think about how you can emphasize your personal feelings for these times, and how you can convey this feelings with sound and imagery in your storyboards. If you can find a way to visualize smell, you movie would be that much stronger.
Finally, the photos of the trip itself may have rich content that you want to flesh out in the movie. I see your movie introducing the pictures early on, then detailing the events of different ones. It is only an idea, but think about how the photos can be integral to your movie, without becoming a prop which is simply filmed.
You seem happy when you talk about the actual memory but seem sad when you think before and after the memory, like there is a real sense of loss. If that's your angle, you need to play up the idea of loss, especially at the end with the photo album. You can make this seem loving, warm, with that solemn aspect and not cheesy, but it will be difficult to avoid the family scene being corny. The shots and dialogue will have to drive it into that warm, familial feeling.
ReplyDeleteYeah, i think this is a bittersweet memory you have here, and i think Jessi is right, i would play up the bitterness a bit, not to forget the sweet of course. Memories are funny like that, they can make you think of something that used to make you happy, but in doing that, they can bring you down hard.
ReplyDeleteI would use that notion in your piece, that although the memory is happy, the thought of that memory and how things are now in reality–and how that contrast can effect you. You have some strong imagery, there's no doubt, just consider which is most important in getting your point across, and which the audience will be most responsive towards.